Monday, October 12, 2009

What's it Worth?

Two pounds. What are they worth?

It's no secret: I gained a lot of weight with my pregnancy. 60 pounds. I ought to have given birth to a 6 year old by that account, but that's neither here nor there.

Except why are these two pounds here AND there? Don't get me wrong, these are not the last of the 60. Oh no, children. These are the two I swore to lose by my birthday. These are the last two before I'm back in the hundreds. These are the last two pounds before I say, "Okay, now 12 more to go to get back to a weight where I wasn't that happy to begin with." These are the last two before I no longer have my own weight category in our local 10K (I did not do the 200+ category any favors. Senor, Elliott and I only beat 17 people total. We almost LOST a 10K. I thought that honor was reserved for arthritic seniors. We only beat a couple of pregnant ladies and their pregnant friends and three middle aged Dead fans. Granted, we were carrying an 18 pound baby around...).

When I put it this way, these two pounds seem so insignificant in my grand scheme that I don't know why they bother me. THESE shouldn't be the two that bother me. These two land in the middle of the marathon. If you're running 26 miles, you don't sweat mile 12 and 13... Well, you do, but really, you have so much farther to go that hopefully you can put your head down and let them pass relatively unnoticed.

And while we're at it, what is a birthday worth? Birthdays, New Years, Mondays... why do we allow ourselves to create deadlines that, if/when not met, make us feel MORE badly about ourselves? Is it because, without a deadline, we are less likely to complete the task? Is it because we know we would enjoy the landmark day so much more if only we could rid ourselves of these two little things that bother us and make us feel unworthy? Is it merely to avoid having to try to complete the task today? A noble-sounding way of saying "maybe tomorrow"?

The trouble is that now, with my birthday less than a week away, not only will I feel badly about the pounds not lost, I will also feel badly about not reaching the deadline. Double the shame, double the fun.

I don't deserve it. I have lost 46 pounds in six months. That's great! It should feel great. I wish it did.

Tell me, why are two pounds worth more 46?


smelk-o-matic said...

Girl - 46 pounds?! You are amazing. Losing that AND taking care of a newborn? You deserve a medal.

Not only that - you have so much to be proud of (and I hardly know you!)...don't let a birthdate or a number on the scale bring you down.


Free Range Chick said...

Okay, you are too intense for me today. But that's why you were asking about the 6 year old.

You want a walking buddy? I'm only around for a couple more weeks, but I would love to go with you.