Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Softer Side of Senora

Okay. I admit it. I've been scary lately. It's only part of the story, of course. There is a soft underbelly (and overbelly, and everywherebelly) that I've been hiding away a bit mostly because I can't afford to cry every time I feel the urge. Which is pretty much all of the time. Crying in joy and disbelief are not, unfortunately, part of my job description here at the dental office, and I fear that if I cry at everything that touches me, I will scare Senor more than he already is.

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..."
I did it. Last night I packed for the hospital. That made me cry. I packed little clothes for a person who is not going on this trip with us but who is coming home with us. I packed clothes for a woman that I haven't met as well, I packed for Mommy, and she will be me... or I will be her, whichever way you look at it. And in most senses, we'll be very similar, but then who knows what amazing things she will know that I don't? And I'm supposed to pack a snack for this Daddy guy, but I haven't met him yet either. What will he want to eat while living by Mommy's hospital bed? Packing was a difficult and mysterious job, which I guess is why I put it off so long... and why it made me cry.

Ooh, I need to pack Daddy a change of clothes, too.

I'm starting to wonder how bright Zuul is. He or she is digging around in there, working hard at what seems to be trying to getting out, but I can't seem to make him or her understand that DOWN is the way to dig, not UP! You'll never get to China that way, kid! I think I was participating in some wishful thinking the other day when I said I thought the baby had dropped. Or if it did drop, it climbed back up... a rather impressive feat if you consider that it climbed up ass first... but not all that productive. Come on, Zuul, help a Mommy out!

I cast on a Shetland Triangle yesterday for working on during labor. It's a theory I have that the Shetland Triangle is the perfect labor knitting-- just complicated enough to keep me focused and interested, but not so difficult that I'll eff it up and end up more stressed out than I would be if I were JUST pushing a kid out of myself. The difficult part about preparing this project was having to stop. I find this pattern incredibly addictive, but I wanted to leave off while the rows are still short enough to have some sense of momentum. I'm using Hand Maiden Casbah in Dandelion. So soft! I'll let you know how the plan works out.

I think that's it for now. Was I less scary? Don't be afraid of me, I'm just going through some stuff and trying to share genuinely, even when it's ugly. But I'm still me, soft side and all.


Amyt said...

Oh Senora,
I think you are doing great. Your last post actually cracked me up. You don't have anything to worry about - trust me you'll do fine. We (mothers anyway) have been where you are. We read the books, we try to prepare every way possible, but the lovely thing is that mothering is very instinctive. And it feels right very quickly, this new person you become. You will probably be surprised at how quickly you will know your baby. and you have such a great advantage by being a knitter, especially one who can knit lace, you will have the zen patience that nonknitters can't comprehend (Ha!Ha!). I have 2 kids, 9 and 10 years old. I have such fond memories of their first few days, weeks, and months. Even the difficult times have their memories. You get through it all and the reward is great. They will love you in ways you have never been loved before. It's all so very nice. And you will love the way they smell. And they breathe on your neck. And little baby grunts are the best sound. I promise, it's all so very wonderful. I will keep you in my prayers. I so enjoy your blog!! I can't wait to hear "the rest of the story"
P.s. Yesterday's Word Verification to post a comment was peejugle. Maybe that was a secret message from Zuul!! If I only knew what it meant.

Gregorio said...

So any day now, we can actually say "Mamacita Strong"?

Thanks for sharing, Nat. And no, you're not scary at all. You're our friend... and we love you.

Brynne said...

Everyone makes the switch to Mommy of a suddenly-on-the-outside-what-are-we-supposed-to-do-with-this-kid-now baby in roughly an instant when it comes out and everyone is fine. Of course there's a learning curve, but it's surprisingly gentle. I am always just glad that they don't come out able to move around the house on their own. That helps immensely.

You might want to pack something for you to eat, too. I'm not the biggest fan of hospital food and I think my nurses always find my giant horde of granola bars and drinks very funny.