This Month

Holy Crap! This month I will become a parent (sweet Jeebus, I hope it's this month, otherwise I'll be 11 days past my sell-by date). Definitely there will be a baby in no more than 4 1/2 weeks... Can you get your brain around that? And if you can, can you explain it to me? 'Cause I just can't figure it all out!

I know what to do... in theory.

I have everything we'll need... almost.

I've done all the preparations... okay, not really, but the car seat is ready. We'll at least be able to get baby home. I figure that's a good starting point.

I can prevent choking and respiratory arrest... on dolls.

I can diaper and swaddle... a doll.

I can maintain serene relaxation through contractions... fake contractions.

I can achieve the correct latch for breastfeeding... with a doll.

I don't even like dolls, kids. I like them even less now that I had one staring up at me from my boob for two hours last night all plastic-eyed and polyester-lashed.

But what does all of this really mean? I suspect that in a few weeks I may tell you it all means this: Not much. But now I know, and knowing is half the battle, right G.I. Joe?

I bet G.I. Joe didn't have any kids. Not with that confusing smooth part he had in the front there. But he'd never let my kid spray paint a bike in a garage with all of the windows and doors closed, now would he? Perhaps that's all one really needs to be a good parent. Some good cartoons and common sense.

I'll go with that to get me through today, day 18.