After celebrating his 32nd birthday at a karaoke bar in California's San Fernando Valley, this man, suspected to be El Segundo mob boss Patricio Fuerte, aka V. Veroski, was blinded in a tragic photo-editing accident. The perpetrator is alleged to be his wife and partner in crime, Senora Fuerte. If you see this man wandering aimlessly today, please take him into custody and hold him until his wife returns home, as she claims to be incredibly remorseful for both posting a horrible photo of him on her blog and for forgetting to wish him a happy birthday on the very day she blinded him. Both are armed (one with sharpened knitting needles and the other with a lethal iPod Nano) and considered to be, well, no threat whatsoever.
In other news, a package containing a dangerous hand-knit hat was screened at the Omaha, NE post office. It's target may be expecting the package, however the magnitude of her doom is indescribable. Here is a photo of the so-called "Hat of Doom" (do not look directly at the photo unless you are prepared to meet your own demise):
The creator of said hat is rumored to be the very same Senora Fuerte suspected in the blinding of her husband earlier today. The hat, knit in connection with Head Games, an underground knitting war that has taken hold across the United States, Canada, and parts of Europe, is said to be soft and extremely cozy. Proceed with caution when checking your mailbox if you live in the Omaha area.
2 comments:
you are too funny!!
It's amazing Senor Fuerte still lives to see another birthday!
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